The amount of pressure from my internal screams is making my head hurt.
A headache that can’t be fixed with the chemicals from a pill.
Hoping for a peak of sunshine through the dark clouds as I look out from my windowsill.
An ounce of hope that the pain that I feel will be over soon.
A constant battle between my heart and mind.
A war against my sanity and being mentally ill.
My God, will this pain always be near to me?
Didn’t my mother ever see the pain in my eyes?
Her eldest daughter, hiding underneath a blanket trying to sleep off the bottle of pills.
I can hear my husband yelling near by. “Stop using depression and anxiety as your excuse.”
“There is nothing wrong with you.”
Yet the physical manifestations tell another truth.
The years and years of agony never seem to get any easier.
Be still and wait on the Lord but faith without works is dead.
It’s the seasons of stillness that scare me most.
I’m at my best when I’m keeping busy like Martha.
In these times my overwhelming thoughts aren’t able to catch me.
You’re a child of the Highest.
So why is your soul so downcast.
Jesus promised to give me life and life more abundantly.
Yet I constantly find myself begging to be free.
I’m tired of being tired, my soul needs some rest.
Dear Lord, please fix me.
Help me keep my eye stayed upon You and please remove this thorn from my flesh.